Worth Chatter

Hey. I know you've missed me and have struggled to bear those last two entry-less days. You had to get your hands on some reading material before you slowly disintegrated. First, you tried some The Bible. Bored, you tried some A Brief History Time. Fully boarded, you attempted to read Jen's blog. Within seconds you threw up everything -- breakfast, lunch, dinner, swallowed gum, paper -- in your digestive tract because Jen's blog is an assault on blogs everywhere! I felt personally insulted when I read the first sentence: "My name is Jen and I'm 15." First off, you won't always be 15, and that post is cemented in cyberia. More importantly, though, it comes at you too fast. I'll publish The Rapper's Guide to an Effective and Eloquent Blog in a few months -- you better be at the signing, Jen!

Back to my readers missing me. So, I've been loaded lately. Filling out college applications, doing reports for school, talking to Anthony C about Powerman 5000's fall from industrial metal super stardom, talking to Dave about Jen talking to Wilbur about my blog, "phailing," not having nightmares involving many elements of Paranormal Activity, subtly flirting with the squirrel next door -- you know, the regular!

Start your engines for Bullet Facts, the new segment in which I abruptly give you facts about the people you know and . . . Dave was born a Jew. Dave's seeing a concert tonight. Dave's seeing Cypress Hill tonight. Anthony C likes Paramore. Anthony was disappointed at the Paramore show around two weeks ago. Non-character Adem U went to bed at 4:00 AM last "night," due to a lengthy history report which he waited 'til the last night to start. Adem's a procrastinator. Christian P doesn't like my math teacher. Ryan A doesn't like my English teacher. Ryan A excels in his Sexual Education class. Anthony M hasn't accepted my Facebook friend request yet. Marina C didn't wear a costume today. Dylan K did not wear a costume, either.

Ouch, that segment was painfully fast and factual. So let's try Mullet Facts, the appropriate sequel segment. The main character of Joe Dirt has a mullet. The mullet is popular in Colombia. What the living hell, did I really just talk about mullets for two sentences? The answer is yes -- sorry I didn't give you time to answer. I owe you a soda.

Boring Facts -- the new general knowledge segment consisting entirely of useless information that you don't want to know? Too bad, I already started. Right now. Now! Thriller is the best-selling album ever globally. Genie, a famous feral child, spent the first twelve years of her life in one room. Chairs exist.

Shit, I'm out of ideas what the hell bro. Shut Up, Weirdo, a local radio show, brought on a caller who suggested, in response to the massive number of girls dressing up as Octomom tomorrow, the Octoterrorist. Complex and undeveloped. I'll be back tomorrow with pictures of me in my ironic Halloween costume and a fresh new tale for my fans. Take care!