[Quick note: Angelo is fine, and I escaped the cage while those assholes were at the hospital.]
Happy belated Hanukkah, guys. Look: I've done some thinking over these past few seconds, and realized . . . that . . . I . . . ' . . . m . . . J . . . e . . . wish. Ha ha -- just kidding. But Christmas is so corporate! From Walmart to K-Mart, Rocky's to Merry Sexmas: The Rapequel, USA to Mexico . . . Christians are, in general, obsessed with buying things! Here's an excerpt from a conversation between Miss Jennifer A and Miss Amy C, intercepted a week ago:
Jennifer A: Good point -- incest has a loose statewide definition, to say the least. Before the laws are made clearer, the whole second cousin rule is dandy.Amy C: Thank you . . . anyway, what are you getting Scott for Christmas?JA: Oh, I haven't thought much about it. But I'm considering buying my babe a few gold watches, a stake in Microsoft, possibly a Nissan Altima, probably Sarah . . . and if Daddy will lend me some money for a few romantic square acres in The Bahamas if you know what I mean. Eh, and probably a vocoder so he can be the next T-Pain. What are you buying Shvet?AC: Australia. I think that's where he's from. It'd be good if he owns his home continent. You know?JA: That's it? I didn't know I was best friends with a peasant!AC: Obviously I'll get him stocking stuffers too . . . TV: Everything Ever Shown on Television, the 7936-disc set from Viacom is probably a good start. Eh, and if you don't mind, I think Shvet likes Dave's pornography flicks. So Max Hardcore's new collection -- it has all the Cloudy films -- is a possibility. And Apple's unreleased iLove. It holds only twelve trillion songs, but it also includes the exclusive audiobook Sex Positions: An Auditory Guide. Plus, when you have the iLove on and you're not playing any songs, and look at someone for a few seconds, their thoughts are played in the headphones. It's pretty cool. He'd like it.JA: Okay, you're a serf.
Shit, Dave just reminded me that Jen's a secular Utopian. Don't worry -- there's plenty more examples of Christians being superficial, materialistic a-fucks. Take this recent discussion between Angelo L, Christian P, and Shane H:
Angelo L: So guys, what are you getting everyone for X-mas?Christian P: I'm going to craft a dollhouse purely out of pine cones for my girlfriend. I'm not telling you guys what I'm getting for you, though. It'll be a fun surprise. Shane, how about you?Shane H: Well, for Sarah I'm going to gather interestingly-shaped sticks on the ground and build a mini-fort in which we can kiss for hours in. And I'm painting Mom and Dad portraits! Oh, the joy! Ang, what are you getting your folks?AL: For Father I'm making a bamboo wallet. Don't ask why. Mother . . . hmmm, I'll probably make something for her in Pottery Class. Oh how I adore that class!SH: I concur! I love my friends, and You -- My Infinitely Benevolent Savior.AL: Shall we do group prayer?CP: Let us honor Our Creator.
Um, not the example I needed. But look at the way Angelo's making a wallet, which usually includes the Devil's prime foundation: money. Christians are so Satanic. Let's look at the lovely discourse of Jews Dave C and Katie P:
Dave C: What'd you get on the first day?Katie P: Matchsticks. You?DC: Same. Second day?KP: An M-80. You?DC: Same. Third?KP: Max Hardcore's autobiography.DC: Ha ha, I got a copy of Casey Donovan's diary. HarperCollins published it unedited last spring. So far, it's fantastic.KP: Cool. What else did you get?DC: Some blades, Lex Steele's Rods of Steele 5: Reel That Shit In, hmmm -- on the eighth day they gave me a fucking slingshot. I'm like, "Mom, I have twelve of these, LOL." Other stupid stuff. You?KP: Ha I got a slingshot too. Let's see . . . oh! My mom got me Hellphone -- AT&T's awesome new cellular device which has unlimited minutes when you talk to the Devil or any of five hundred pre-selected Satanic preachers. And somehow I got Rods of Steele 6: Black in the Pond. It's not even out, but hey, Mom knows people.DC: Katie . . . this is a very personal question . . . what's your favorite Lex Steel flick?KP: Cock Kick Dock Dick, which I know is fucking random and abstract, but like, his acting is best in that one.DC: I love you. Will you go out with me?KP: Duh.
Not sure if that best represents my grounds for converting to Judaism, but . . . hey, Katie and Dave are dating. That makes my heart relatively larger. I guess. Uh, my Christmas was absolutely terrible. Abominable. Abhorrent! I awoke at seven and first off -- there's nothing under the fucking tree. (Besides my eternally-ugly feline Muffy.) I go back to bed and wake up at eleven and there's seven gifts. This is what I got:
- Jack Link's aptly-titled Jackpack!™ . . . which includes "CHEDDAR Flavor," "PRETZEL Sticks," and "BEEF Sticks." Utterly disheartening.
- Anthony C's "Society Sucks" / "Life = Boring" -- the depressing new 7'' from ACI Records.
- Ticket to see Michael Bay's [Boooooooom]
- Dave's signature sweater. (Fam, please give that back to him. He's probably cold!)
- Mock feces.
- Subscription to Philias Monthly. (Ever since Dave stopped writing for this publication, it has gradually sunk to the bottom of the magazine sewer.)
- Ownership of the URL "trombonedxxx.com" -- really, was that difficult to obtain?
I'd say that my cat made out better than me. Muff received a nine-lifetime supply of Friskies, and season meow of Nickelodeon's Catscratch. Nice? Now, let's talk about the poll! "Nah, man, I'd prefer if you spoke about The Number Twelve Looks Like You's farewell concert. Thanks -- peace." Sorry, Anthony C, but I simply despise that act. Their last album was accurately described by Jill C as "grindcore? More like a grindbore. Progressive metal? More like regressive mehtal. A good album? More like a not good album. Music? More like musuck." Okay Miss Jillian, we appreciate your humor, but you've overstayed your visit. "That band is a good band? More like Justin Pedrick is an emo prick. Thank the Lord he left." Done, Madam? "Get my new album Oracular Vernacular out January 5th on ACI Records." Um, no -- you may not promote your new disc on my blog! "It features pop wins like 'Random Dance Anthem' and 'Quilting for Hours.' Don't like dance numbers? I included a few ballads, slow pokes, like the frightening 'Gospel Fizzle' and the apathetic 'Relaxing Again.' Early reviews have been deliriously sexual -- China's ㊣ Hye Sung Times ㊚ proclaimed my record '漢 字宋 体宋體,' professing that 'China Sucks!' is the album's '字.' America's Indifferent Daily said my CD is 'so chill,' declaring 'Reefer Sadness' the standout. I'll admit: Great Britain's Trendsetter was a bit lukewarm in their review of my debut. Nigul Flackinburg wrote: 'Jill C is a profoundly talented singer-songwriter, and on ACI's Oracular Vernacular she delivers a batch of meticulously-conceived, fastidious twee songs. But . . .' Yeah, we're not gonna post the negative bull that Flackinburg wrote. By far, the most ecstatic critic was Miss Sarah B, who told all her friends my first disc is a 'must-hear.' She kinda got sidetracked in her official review, saying that '[she] love[s] bunnies, and if you love bunnies too, you'll love Oracular Vernacular.' I'm sleepy. I'll invade Nick's prose later. Just buy my album, girls." She's intrusive. Uh, I suppose we were discussing the fact that we were not going to discuss The Number Twelve Looks Like You's final show (January 29th at School of Rock, South Hackensack, NJ). Shall we proceed? "Talk about Farewell's Run It . . . whatever. Bleh." If you're going to interrupt my blog, at least have a wee/tad/ounce/bit of enthusiasm babe. You see my blog gets lame when I only use tiny words like this, or that, or hey, look over here. I'll lecture your asses on language's cruciality sometime, but for now, I'll just remind you: we need lengthy words like supercalifragiletc and antidisestabishmentetc or else, like, humans will tread the world viewing their regular tongue as "boring" and "I'd rather be a goat."
"Oh, those teenagers and their diaries and blogs -- hey, I can't keep up," says the adult. But come on, what teen keeps a diary anymore, and which adolescent maintains a blog? Yep -- we at Fictional Account are here to bring personal text back to common youth. Jen A and Angelo L are acceptors of their duty, purveyors of sacred tasks. So is this "Hye Sung" bro. Though I'm confident that Tumblr is Mr. Internet being like, "Let's just get everything, shorten it, put it all in one place, then make it look pretty."
I spoke too soon! Circa two months from now, I will create a Tumblr account -- Didactic Fizzle -- and be flattered by its simple, delightful format. I wuv my Blogger, but Tumblr is too cute and crystal for the busy kid with a low attention span. The quintessential pile of crap you liked and want your bros to check out. Hye-Sung has one . . . but, like, he's a worldly dude. Don't be intimidated by his tumblarity. And supposedly he's been tumbling for "years." Did I mention that his uncle is Tumblr founder David Karp? Something to keep in mind, readers and readerettes. Say I was you. Then I'd follow me, dismiss the Mormon, and drink Coca-Cola! Be American. Bi (is) the way, Tumblr is a microblogging service -- my tumblelog will mostly include other folks' work. MP3s, videos, links, quotations, and pictures will regularly invade adverted.tumblr.com. Okay? And I strongly suggest you get a Tumblr, bros and barrettes.
Wow, this is ridiculous. I mean, I expected y'all to fucking write, but not become overnight success stories. Article from New Jersey Store Ease:
NUTLEY, NJ -- Consider Seattle, Minneapolis, and Princeton. Besides picturesque landscapes and terrific cuisine, these cities represent the literate American. But these book-loving metropolises are overshadowed by Nutley -- yes, the town with the death hoax and food poisoning. Nutley is the nation's primer center for literature output and input.Five books were published this month by local residents under the age of eighteen. Not to mention that we found a few locals planning to release their debuts in January or February of 2010. We spoke to Village Asshole Jen A, whose memoir Pranks, Clanks, and Spanks: Thanks, Yanks is the best-selling nonfiction book in New Jersey this week."As soon as I encountered those blank stares at the funeral . . . yeah, I knew I was gonna write a book about my story. I'm so happy I get to tell my side of the story. I know that, like, I'm accepted pretty much now, but I want everyone to know the full story."Her book includes very little of her infamous relationship with David C, which she explained "wasn't meant for print." Generously, she pointed us to the home of Miss Sarah B -- the author of Fandom Blouse's Oreos w/ Olives: Food for Thought and Consumption. Sarah explained that it's important "not to confuse aesthetics with palate. Combine mustard and chocolate ice cream and you get a tasty snack, not a visual masterpiece."Sarah will sign copies of Oreos at Clifton's Barnes & Noble on Saturday, January 2, 2010. She said to come next week, too. Shvet P is signing copies of Quailed Demon -- his first novel -- on January 9. He did not want to speak of his book. But we did get Vlad S to speak a little of the graph-nov English Clash."I wanted to illustrate the struggle of adapting to this country's ridiculous traditions, and also talk about funny stuff that happens in Miss Twig's! By the way, I didn't draw everything. Steven F helped out with shading techniques and color patterns. I'm just happy that School Last Tick published it!"Other released or soon-to-be-released Nutley books include Christian P's Basket Brawl: The Philosophy Behind God's Sport, Angelo L's Bowling, Rolling, and Trolling, and Katie P's Follow Me Until You Love Me: The Gossip Stalwart. Comically, Mr. Nick Rapper, who has reportedly influenced a lot of these writers, is dead empty in the book department.
Cut to Rocky's -- I sat down with Jen and Dave to discuss all this bullshit:
Nick Rapper: So, how is everyone doing?Jen A: Dandy.Dave C: Lovely.NR: Well, I just read an article that you, Jen, have published a fucking memoir?JA: Oh, the article is out already! I heard that Store Ease was doing a thing on Nutley's lit circle. But yeah, Pranks is in local bookstores and Amazon.NR: Yeah, then I checked the Sun and turns out, I'm now the thirteenth-ranked writer in Nutley! What? Dave, don't tell me you're --DC: Stoned Cronies . . . out on four-twenty.NR: Fuck you!DC: Look, no one visits your stupid blog anymore. Publish a book and you'll get some attention. Jen, just tell 'im.JA: He's right. Believe me, I keep a blog too. You joke about it a fair amount. But seriously, not even Breanna or Jill read it. I've talked to Sarah, Chris, other writers . . . sorry, but they think your blog is pointless. Just write a book about your blog. Nah, that's sickeningly meta. Just write a book about Nutley. Look, I don't know, but . . . can you fucking believe it? We're the smartest town in America! Full three-sixty.NR: I've got it! Jen Is a Faggot. And, uh, it'll be published by Dave Sucks the Cock. Ha!JA: Fail. Just stop, Nick.DC: Yeah, it's not funny, bro. We're gonna leave. We have authors to talk to.
Not an ideal conversation! It's okay, though. In fact, we'll turn to the Internet for comic relief! Some screenshots!
You're elated! Ecstatic! Erratic! Erosive! A tad on edge? Morbidly spooked? Consider dialing 9-1-1, or possibly reporting this incident to The Creep Police? Begone, ambivalent loser. I can never tell with you. One day your name's Dave -- the next: Angelo. My readership, please "grow a pair."
2009, what's up? "2010, bro." May we not bask in your gooey center once more? "Uh, from the terrible economy, Octomom, Jon and Kate, uh, and then there was Balloon Boy -- you enjoyed all that?" Point taken, Madam.
This year saw Fictional Account's birth, President Obama's inauguration, Michael Jackson's death, jen's blog's entering the pop sphere, the continued existence of Nickelback, and Farewell's Run It . . . you know. It was a depressed, stupid year -- but Fictional Account "unarguably" delivered the goods. You like this blog, right? Can't hear you. My fund box is empty! So until I raise a cool 3¢, no more posts. Three measly pennies is all I ask for. Yesterday, I saw theist Anthony M throw a few coins at an isolated alpaca on the turnpike. The alpaca (or llama, or camel) braced its idiocy and denied the cash. If anyone wants directions to where these coins may be, e-mail me. Thanks.
Just kidding with that whole "raise a cool 3¢" bit. I'd say the hilarity expounded from that bit is worth the agony experienced when y'all processed the act of giving money to me in your minds. Uh, we've got so so much planned for 2010! Here is some spit in the mouth:
- Guest writers will pen entire posts. (Think: Nick L quality)
- Porn Corner with Miss Jennifer -- weekly segment with video reviews of new pornographic full-lengths. Jen may occasionally get porn stars to stop by and discuss their latest fodder.
- Jersey Bore with Pete L -- segment in which Pete will thoroughly recap the latest Jersey Shore episode.
- Pop Punk Palace -- Ant C dishes out MP3's of the aforementioned genre's latest sweets in this segment.
- Last two acts of I'm Not in a Band. Catch up.
- All Fictional Account characters locked in a room and guess what happens. Yeah didn't think you'd even guess. Bitch.
- Voluptuous Sermons -- transcripts of the inspiring speeches Jill gives at Saint Harlot's. Updated on Sunday nights.
- Popularity Report with Katie P -- every week Katie will deliver a list of the hundred most popular NHS students. Commentary and a movers-and-shakers subsegment will be included.
- Transcripts of local rap battles.
This insidious and meta post will end very soon. Just need to dish out a huge lot of praise. Let's get phys -- general! I'd like to thank all humans, polar bears, and horned lizards for being themselves. Humans, though -- we're relentless! Commenters, readers, promoters, marketers, editors, and lovers of my blog: thanks. Mr. Dave C: get ready for another year of your life to be given to the world. Thanks for not suing me (yet). Jen: your blog will remain 2009's biggest mistake, while mine will flourish right into blog heaven. Thanks for letting me use you to craft lit-brilliance. Miss Teacher: uh, I'm not sure this "account" of your "exploits" is even that anymore. But hey, your room provided my baby with nourishment. Thanks. Angelo: you're a swell fellow, and your blog is an American tragedy. He he. Thanks for letting me exploit you. Anthony C: looking forward to your involvement in my blog's second year. You always bring the thunder. Thank you for existing. Jill: originally, you were meant to be a minor character but my readers screamed, "More Jill stories!" in my ear, day-lee. Thank you for being ignorant of your participation in my linguistic endeavors. Sarah: thanks for supplying your piece of the pie to Fictional Account consumers. We look forward to 2010's edition of Miss Sarah B. Anthony M: Congratulations, sir. Even though you've publicly besmirched my blog, you're still a primer player in my online game. Christian: thank you, bro, for being enthusiastic about Fictionetc. You're a respected young gentleman, and we need you! Joe V: I think about you every day. Every day. And I suppose you're a character now. Cool. Shvet: thanks, kind sir, for providing the world with witticisms that only dunces fail to laugh at. You're a profoundly talented hombre. Stay cuddly. Ryan: not exactly my blog's fanboy (with all collectable trading cards and t-shirts and limited edition air), but a cool, relaxed, wonderful man you are, sir. Thanks for letting me talk about your exploits. Nick L: thanks, man, for being Fictional Account's first editor. You served your country with rugged dignity. Emma Shaggs: thanks, Madam, for adding wonderful music to this bloggist's ears. "My Friends" is Fictional Account's official anthem. "Seasun" -- take a seat! Marina: thank you, madwoman, for polluting my blog with your negative take on the world and your lamentable actions. I don't look forward to your future litter, but my readers will gladly pick it up. Katie: thanks for being a master paparazzo, a gleam of sunshine, and a loving memoirist. All Fictional Account bros wish you the greatest 2010 words can write. Wilbur: your time in the Fictional Account sphere was wishfully wonderful for you and your fans. Each day we mourn your passing. Don't worry -- a team of bandits ray gunned Poppa Rapper's. The institution is gone -- its owner: imprisoned. Dylan: thanks making Web Design tolerable. You're a solid neighbor, you've voted in a few polls, and you'll make 2010 that much better. Alison: you're a key component in Web's greatness. Thanks for remaining WD's sole sane survivor. Vlad: thank you sir -- you put the sexed in Sex Ed. You're a lovable fellow, and we wish you a cool 2010 in "reality" (what's that) and Fictional Account. Ravi: thanks, purveyor of marijuana secrets and eventual fighter in this UFC today's youth rave about. You're a cool brother. Stay ch-ch-chill. Brandon: thank you for putting Miss Marina C on a leash. Also, for contributing to a sport which Nutley undoubtably excels at! Thanks again, Brand. Adam Young: fuck you. AJ: my contemporary -- the outstanding stealer of hearts and minds renowned for his bodily complexity -- thank you! Your untitled, unread, undeserving, undeveloped, and overhyped novel became a major plot point in Fictional Account. Kate B: I hope that you get help! Thank you for liking Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Dan: official hockey bro of the decade. You're a crisp American, full of Cassidy quotations, bizarre celebrations, and psychedelic fascinations. Stay interesting, acclaimed human being. Julian: you're the nu-Agassi. Just kidding -- not gonna compare you to a lecher. Drug-abuser, too. Anyway, most Fictional Account staff members love love love you, so keep doin' whatchya doin' brother. Mathias: thanks, enemy, for spending at least one second of your life talking about my blog. "Cool guy." (Connor W) Adem: sir, brace yourself for '10 -- when you become the new Dave! Adem, you're a quaint lad with mild aspirations and a great taste in video games! (But not music, ♕) Mario: thanks for referencing my blog in actual, recordable, physical conversation. Clipse: I know, I know, yep yeah, you too. Mike Z: you were one of my earliest promoters! Thanks, sir, for reading this blog and passing it on. Cheers for word of mouth advertising. Hye-Sung: thanks for reading my blog! And commenting! The first five days of Fictional Account were horrible. But then I told my English classmates and boom, one of my blog's supreme supporters became aware. Miss Twig: I promise that I'll release my first novel before you release any compassion. Mark Zuckerberg: thank you, young man, for creating Facebook. Especially for groups and fan pages. You've got a lot on your plate, sir. Add pointless praise to your dish -- just make sure it doesn't touch the controversial privacy settings. Casey Donovan: rest in peace. Boys in the Sand will probably top my list of best avant-guarde gay pornography feature films. I need to see it! AIDS sucks. Remember. Concetta K: Miss Princess Superstar, your unparalleled rhymes and lovely frame add so much to this blog! W'all are anticipating your new CD. 2000-2009: from the iPhone to the iTouch, you were a fun decade! Life: nice mountains. God: thank you for providing us with life. BTW, life has cool mountains.
