My readership is still low. Endless sad faces! As of now (wait, when is now?) the 2434-word "Global Aspirations" stands as my longest post. Even though it ain't my most popular post (that distinction goes to "Lazy Tuesday," which birthed around the time of our Facebook group's creation), I think the formula is varied and controversial enough to grab more folks. Let's lure in the following groups: rednecks, perverts, blondes, abstracts, geeks. Without further brainless scribbling, I give you five desperate appeals!
Gay Corn Star
"It ain't harvestin' season, boy," some gal said to me from across the field. Wait -- could it be?
"Jill!" I hollered. Yep -- there she was. This girl was my girlfriend when I was ten. I ain't see her in . . . I'm not even sure. I went up and hugged her voraciously. We had some recounting to do -- I was sure of it.
"Oh, gul, where've you been? I thought you done gone inta the prostitutin' bih'ness," I said to her -- damn I was surprised to see that woman's face.
"Welp . . . you heard right. Buh I got outta that a week ago. Oh Nihless, I talked to Jen -- she said you redone ya whole house. I said to Jen, I say to her, 'Wow, I gots ta see that man soon.' It's been sayven long yeas boy -- I missed you."
"Oh, I've missed you too. It's been that long? Tom flies when ya workin' . . . or maybe I'm just gettin' old and losin' ma memory."
She chuckled -- I think she did it just for me, though. Then she said, "Let's go 'n see that house of yuhs, Nick. I heya you paved the driveway ba yasef. You don' need ta do errething ba yasef, boy. But you wuz always like that."
"I suppose God made me that way. But Misses Jillian, whaw don' you come in 'n haf yasef a cup of cawfee. I've missed you too much, gul."
She was right from the start -- I shouldn't have been tending my corn that day. But we used to always plant corn. I suppose it was intuition that brought me to my crops that winter evening. And intuition that brought her here.
I walked her in. I knew she'd then give me too many compliments. Yep -- she was a box of praise as soon as we approached my house.
"Nick, I love that coluh -- oh errrething is perfect, Nick. That reminds me: where ya workin' these days?"
"I gots a job at the post office, Jill. It's not ezactly ma ideal emploeyment, but I'll take it fuh now."
"Yeah well 'member when we wuz kihs you says you wuz goin' into art -- I din't believe ya but then you show me some pitchers ya painted. I couldn't believe my eyes wuzn't jus' lyin' to me right there. You have somethin' no one can be taught. I knew you wuz gonna be an artist 'n git yuh rifle money that was riflely yuhs."
As soon as she finished talking I started to cry. We caught up a bunch more, and eventually she left. Jill said she'd stop back often. I still believe her. She'll show up again one day. Maybe I have to get famous now. I suppose I must. Oh, fate -- it eats you away until all you're left with is a few philosophical thoughts. Oh, Jill.
Girls Can Tell
I'm about one thing and one thing only: scoring with broads. Gotta be sneaky though. Gotta learn the tricks. Don't just stick your hand in a girl's pants -- gotta ease your way in. Look, I've been arrested for rape -- let's just get that out of the way.
I got millions of stories, but I just wanna tell you the basics of getting inside girls' vaginas. First you gotta throw out a compliment. Then maybe just tap her ass or something. Well, you might wanna talk to her first. Doesn't matter. Just make sure she's not one of those pussies who tells the fucking cops on you when you simply stares at her tits.
Yeah look -- just do what I said: tell her she's hot. Tell her you're really into her. Tell her she's unique. Shit like that. It works most of the time. If she's uncomfortable about her weight or depressed or whatever, it's better. Just say to her, "Girl, you're the most beautiful thing on this earth." She'll fuck you, no doubt.
So, I'll tell you a quick story of how it worked for me. This girl Ashley S from my school -- well, she has self-esteem issues. She's hot and slutty but she's damn introverted. So I'm like, "Ashley -- I've never seen anyone quite like you. You're just beautiful." I screwed her that same night, and she delivered on my end, believe me.
I tap a lot of ass, if I didn't mention it. Seriously, you gotta get out of your fucking shy little bubble and just touch girls. Just do it. Worst thing is she doesn't find you attractive. Then move the fuck on. In case girls are reading this: no matter what we say or do we care about one thing, and that's sex. I can write you a fucking poem if you want, but it's pointless. Guys, seriously, just tell her she's beautiful. I know they like that.
I'm here on earth for sex, and -- oh yeah, lemme talk about the time I was arrested for rape. Dude, it was a year ago and I was at Dan K's big winter party. I had about five drinks and just this fem, she said I was cute and shit. She was this real sensitive, high-maintenance girl. Um, you can guess what happened next. Anyway, I wasn't convicted or anything. My bro Dave even said that she was coming onto me. I fucking hate double standards. Notice how we touch girls but they don't touch us. That's because they're scared they won't seem "feminine" or some shit. Just fuck that. So, let's review. Tell her she's beautiful, don't be afraid to get sexual, and don't be afraid to touch her. Have fun, guys.
I Am Mad
Hello! I'll tell you right now that I am a female. I know you're a prejudiced asshole and think that I can't write or do anything because I'm not a man, but you're wrong. So, my name is Jennifer A -- you can call me Jen. It's fine. I don't mind it at all.
My hero is Carrie Prejean. She stood up for her beliefs in the Miss USA 2009 pageant, and basically she's been such an inspiration for me! I just finished reading her book Still Standing. It's a little bit better than Twilight I have to say. Some parts were a little bit confusing in Twilight, like when Edward says, "Hi, my name is Edward." I didn't understand how, like, vampires have regular people names like Alice and Volturi.
You probably know me around and I'm dating this guy named Scott and am really good friends with Dave. And my second best friend is this girl named Jillian but you can call her Jill for short. Wait one second, I have to go get some more Pringles to snack on.
Oh, well I'm back and I want to say that I am angry right now. This is because people who voice their opinion openly, instead of bottling it up, are the people that get picked on. Take two of my heroes: Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin.
Every single second of the day it's like someone is trashing one of those fine role models. If there's one thing I hate it is ignorance. We live in America. United States of, in fact -- land of the free, home of the brave. People like George Washington Carver and Olive Branch Petition fought for this beautiful nation so dumbasses like fucking Barack "I Hate America" Obama wouldn't make snide comments about Sarah Palin or Carrie "I Have a Deep and Undying Respect for my Country" Prejean. By the way, I made up those nicknames by myself. Tell me if they're witty or not. I like the Barack "I Hate America" Obama one.
So I was reading the New Testament the other day and now . . . wow, I forgot what I was going to say. Let's see -- well basically it was about how Nostradamus predicted some idiot would invade America in 2009 and we'd go in the toilet hole. He was right on so many accounts that guy. But I have to do homework right now. I will say really quickly that I'm good at English but Geometry is difficult for me. So, I'll see you later. Regards, Jen.
Television Rots Teeth
W. . . W . . . What is up (opposite of down; also a movie; reverse it for Church bench) my fellow dudes and dudettes and guidos and guidettes and, and, and, and, and, and, and (lucky number seven), basically, last night (commonly referred to as "No! Not tonight!") was (New) Jersey (Sure?) Shore's first night of existence in zee television stratosphere. Just for the record, for the record, for the record, get it, get it, a, a, a, record skips, skips, skips, fuck you ignorant Dill pickle consumer. So I half to say, I Saw it and was as confused as a jigsaw puzzle is to solve. I took out my johnson and made racist comments to my Italian-American television brethren like I was Kramer. MTV [Might Tell Vlad (about it)] is a terrible channel. Absolutely, HIV positively (South Park; not sure which episode but it was "mad" "dope"), bad news. I remember my poppa bear telling my mouth that when he was a reasonably-aged cubby that MTV was "totally" "tubular." I lawled over my computer screen when, like (Clueless), my male guardian actually, factually chompliminted Music Television.
What. People like me (not that there are people like me; actually there aren't; I'm one of a kind; I'm different shut the fuck up; *starts slitting his wrists*) usually do not start nu-paragraphs. But I am going to break Nick Rapper rule number seven hundred and fifty eight. (Is that okay? Seriously, this is your blog too!) Wait, Y am I eve N talking to U. (YINU? Symbolism?) Oh yes I came hear (ironic misuse) to tell you the top five (5) grammatical FUNK shins. First is: the em dash. Eh comma (one splice, bro?) -- let's do a speedy #'d list!
- -- | em dash
- ; | semicolon
- § | whatever that is
- & | ampersand
- * | asterisk
Maximize your writing (become Prose Wizard!) by using those five (5) methheads. That reminds me: I can't wait to buy a gram of cocaine tomorrow. Can't wait.
Radical Mathematical Buoy
My name is Shvet P and I'm a student of calculus. But mostly I am here to educate you about my personal life. A lot of hoodlums think I'm lame or gay just because I dedicate myself to numbers. But let's get real -- there's nothing cooler than math.
I'll admit: I'm profoundly more interested in integral calculus than differential. We try to break down f(x)'s dx state. You wouldn't get it, noob.
I manage to party often! Known in the crowd as Coolio the Foolio, I talk to a lot of members of the opposite sex. Know who often goes to those parties? This girl by the name of Sarah B. We often converse about subjects that may seem boring to the masses. Then we also talk about common things like shoes and bowling.
Honestly guys, I do not drink -- not in the least. Usually at festive occasions I end up dancing my rear end off, though. I do not have a preference when dealing with music -- I go with the flow, as one would say. Sometimes I'll spew random sayings from my idols -- Democritus, Seki Kowa, to name a few -- while I lavish the leisure pursuits of any teenager. But I'd like to touch base with integral calculus, if you don't mind.
Newton (and contemporaries) are responsible for the fundamental theorem of calculus. Reverse the original equation and you get the often-discussed dx = v(t) dt. Check it out. Newton's summary in Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy (seminal work) is worth debating. Yes, I said it: debate! I like math-debating with my comrades. That is all.
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