Electronic Polygon

We were lined up in somber black suits, grasping the frailty of life, about to hear the man with oceans to dispense speak for a pond's volume. Unlike most people at the funeral, I was looking forward to Dave's eulogy. No one knew much about it -- Sarah told me that Dave had endured a few sleepless nights crafting it, while Christian said the antagonist hastily construed it in order to make the text induce only the faintest of tears. I disregarded both of the musician's comrades' explanations. The first theory described someone else entirely; the latter may have characterized an English paper's creation, but something so important and innately sentimental as a eulogy -- nope, I just could not buy it. Shaky and composed, Dave faced the huge lot of us gentleman -- without even glancing at the ladies -- and delivered the oration.

"Greetings friends, Jen's lovely family, my fellow students -- everyone here, thank you for coming. I have a lot to say about the late Miss Jennifer. I knew her well -- okay, I knew her good side well. That's all I ever knew. Our relationship had ups and downs, but one thing stayed consistent: I loved that girl, and she never gave me a reason to do otherwise. I'd compel you to remember the good times you had with her, but I'm guessing you only ever had good times with her. She was a generous, compassionate, unselfish, beautiful . . . I could go on and on. One word to describe her -- please, don't get mad . . . the word is entertaining. I don't mean that she sacrificed her dignity for attention. No, no. But in her presence, I was always content, happy. More than that, I was surprised at the energy coming from such a small body. One time --"

Then we released a soaring scream. It is deftly important that we qualify this sound as coming from one place -- today, it came from the witness of one Miss Jennifer A tearing open her casket and jumping onto the grass. I couldn't tell if the motion was simply quick, or if, for a few seconds, we were merely unable to process the scene before us. Either way, she nonchalantly touched Dave and mumbled, "Surprised?"

After the longest five seconds of our lives, Dave responded, "J . . . J . . . Jennifer, you died so . . . . uh . . ."

"Oh, Dave -- you didn't for once question the pure oddness of my 'death'? You're smarter than that, babe." She faced the audience and adopted this mercurial behind-the-scenes tone which made everyone vomit (at least internally.) "Guys, first off -- oh shit, Sarah should of been here already. Chris! Ha, get over here bro." Thus, Christian P evacuated a bush and walked over to Jen; then he held her hand as a perverse smile overtook his visage. "So, I don't know where the medical guys are, but hello, this was all a joke! Sarah and Chris knew -- so did a lot of other people. The funeral director . . . yes, he's a friend of a friend so he helped me out with this. God, this took forever to do. I hope the people who realized this was fake didn't tell anyone. Anyway, I really need a reaction or else I might actually just die right now. Ha!"

There was the obvious lot which were benumbed by this point. Then there were a few gentlemen darkly laughing -- Dan K, Matt G, and me. Most of Jen's girlfriends, though, were on the verge of tears. Her family -- including her pooch -- was soaking in them. A very large portion was dazed silly. These folks narrowly escaped the faint but could not verify the current sights as reality. I supposed life would continue.

I -- human being -- want to clarify: that did occur . . . and every day we attempt to deal with Jen's continued stay in Nutley. Her friends ditched her, the public regularly defiles her house, our good mayor has comically appointed Jen the title of Village Asshole, and schoolteachers often, sin checking the content, give her assignments zeroes. Sometimes, professors write crude notes such as "F for Fuck you," "Geometry wasn't meant for you . . . wait, neither was life," and "Double F for your Fat Face," on her papers. A few compassionate folks are trying to smooth her path to general acceptance. Me, Wilbur, Dave, Scott, her family -- all have thrown their credibility out the window in hopes of making Jen's remaining time here pleasant. I even engaged the lady in a friendly online war. Today, Miss Jen revitalized her abysmal blog. Wilbur's boring Tumblr page (can't find the link) continues to flourish. So, here's how the war works: whoever reaches a hefty amount of followers wins! Judges Dave C, Dan K, and Matt G will determine the number of followers the winner has to reach to claim the prize. They'll be working tediously throughout the next weeks to figure out where the finish line shall be placed. The current standings are a little misleading . . . so, Wilbur has seventy-three followers, I have three, and Jen has one. I patronized the dame's blog, commented on her latest post, and (gulp) followed her! Let me give you a taste of what you'll find at jen's blog:

Not sure what I should do first: fact check, spelling check, or interesting check . . . actually, the order presented looks dandy!

I'm pretty sure she made a new password, so by the second sentence her post is crawling with phoniness. If she didn't care about Wilbur's "typing test," hmmm, I'm almost Hold Steady positive she would not have written about it. I believe the part about not wanting to go out to eat -- but chiefly because Jen is Miss Twig's reincarnation; the whole "fucking freezing" thing is asinine. It's hardly cold today! The cheering bit: sure, it's human contradiction, but it rings true to the reader, so I'll silently proceed. Oh yes! Readers -- I am certainly alive. In fact, I'm flourishing! My doctor recently deemed me the "new -- who's that guy from the workout commercials, John something?" Jen's almost right with that last run-on sentence: her blog is painful! We're all lucky we survived its fourth offering. Karma? No, Jen -- everyone seriously thought you were dead. That's called misleading the whole fucking town!

The spelling is quite good, depressingly. "Baccccck" works as a drawn-out, eerie warning to bloggers everywhere. Redeemed was spelled wrong; it's understandable and forgivable -- don't pout. Wanna may be found within my website, too. It's a term of the times.

The literary revival of Jen is surely interesting -- if not fully because of the content, largely because of the circumstances. Sadly, I expect a slew of trollish comments to bombard the master prankster's page soon. It's difficult not to have sympathy for someone who couldn't even predict the results of her actions. Alas, I encourage my readers to visit her blog -- just don't follow it!

For (whom the hell knows?), my swell polls have terminated. This "Hye Sung" bro dominated both tallies, stealing 26 of a combined 47 clicks (55%). I asked you what your favorite entity listed was. Answers included beautiful things like Nutley's bowling team and the always-fun AP Bio. But 61% of y'all were like, "Although I don't know this kid, his name is a surefire win," or "Since I know no one else'll vote for this dude, I'll be that generous fellow," then choosing the aforementioned mysterious character. Next: I posed the philosophical devil of an inquiry: what do you want for Christmas? The illustrious Anthony M was included -- so was Dave's rugged striped sweater (a treasure!), and ♨ . . . which may or may not be the Panera Bread logo. But my fat, slutty, and pagan readers (okay, chill -- 47% of them) selected the egotistical Mormon[1][2] as their ideal Christmas present (ew, much). Dave's and Christian's popularity pale in comparison to the reported litterer[1]. As punishment for stealing rightful stars' fame-levels away, I (with a few feline associates' help) have decided to ban Hye-Sung from all future polls.

Ha, la, ah! My US-centric, way too funny, mind-massaging, and marijuana-supportive blog will issue a few more lists! The first two are simply indulgent stylistic things. The last one was created by you! So, pretty phrases, commence:

Top Five Album Titles of 2009

5 Beast Rest Forth Mouth ~ Bear in Heaven

4 Lines, Vines and Trying Times ~ Jonas Brothers

3 Sometimes I Wish We Were an Eagle ~ Bill Callahan

2 No One's First, and You're Next ~ Modest Mouse

1 All My Friends Are Funeral Singers ~ Califone

Now that you're linguistically satisfied, you need your daily visceral intake. Get over here, colored rectangles:

Top Five Album Covers of 2009

⑤ Freak Wharf ~ Paul F. Tompkins

④ Bitte Orca ~ Dirty Projectors

③ Crack the Skye ~ Mastodon

② It's Blitz! ~ Yeah Yeah Yeahs

① The Treatment ~ Early Day Miners

Woot! So, after staggeringly awkward interviews with nine folks, and an equally odd chat with myself, I have the ten best tracks of the year for my music lovers. And I put my contribution as numero diez, dummies. Let us do this.

Top Ten Songs of 2009

➓ "Seasun" ~ Delorean ♫ Summer's number one jam isn't anything by Black Eyed Peas; it's surely this dance track by Barcelona's Delorean. There's so much life, so much build up -- it's a mountain of a song. An accessible, cute mountain. (Nick Rapper)

➒ "Rock On The Radio" ~ Farewell ♫ I love this song -- it's about the past, it's about enjoying simplicity, it's about forgetting reality for a second. Much like the rest of Run It Up the Flagpole, this song clearly has mainstream appeal. "Rock" doesn't have the most original guitar riff ever, but it resonates. (Anthony C)

➑ "Pursuit of Happiness" ~ Kid Cudi feat. MGMT & Ratatat ♫ Really good, chill song. I could just sing this forever. I like Ratatat's production, too -- it's really awesome. It's like the song you listen to before goin' to sleep: relaxed and beautiful. (Angelo L)

➐ "Forever" ~ Drake feat. Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem ♫ Yeah I like this song. Wayne has the best verse, Em next, then Drake and I don't know the Kanye one is okay. I mean he's getting old but whatever. (Anthony M)

➏ "Panic Attack!" ~ The Fall of Troy ♫ I love Fall of Troy! I love the weird bridge in the middle of the song! It's so fun. Seriously, an epic win of a song. Honestly I don't know what track's my favorite on their new album! It's like pop metal but the lyrics are really really good, so yay for good lyrics! (Sarah B)

➎ "Fallin' For You" ~ Colbie Caillat ♫ I always sing along to this song when it comes on the radio. I love Colbie -- she's like, so natural! It's such a romantic, pretty song that you don't really hear on Z-100 that often. I think of other ethereal songstresses like Vanessa Carlton and, I don't know, Faith Hill, when I hear this delicate tune. (Katie P)

➍ "As the Little Things Go" ~ The Appleseed Cast ♫ Emo or indie -- whatever you wanna call it, this song owns. It's over eight minutes long but it never gets boring. It gives me chills every time I hear it. The drums are just brilliant. It's a wonderfully-written, almost fully instrumental song. The subtle guitar parts, the sliding bass . . . oh it's great. Reminds me of Sunny Day a little. (Dave C)

➌ "Bad Romance" ~ Lady Gaga ♫ Ha, I love her to death. "Bad Romance" is a gothic piece of '80s dance-pop, it's so fucking catchy, it's too fun. What else . . . it's synthy, it almost has that Europe club feel -- a lot of people don't see the musical ingenuity of Miss Gaga but the construction of this song is huge and layered. Also, she's sexy. She's a postmodern Madonna. Okay I'll stop. (Marina C)

➋ "1901" ~ Phoenix ♫ Not that I wanna be contributing to Nick's stupidcore blog, but this song really deserves attention. It's so catchy. It's rock, but like . . . pop. The stop-and-go guitars and also the breakdown where it gets quieter . . . yeah this is a really beautiful song. I absolutely adore it. (Jen A)

➊ "Stillness is the Move" ~ Dirty Projectors ♫ It's hard to find a more fitting representative of the year -- ha, you can even say the decade! Longstreth must have listened to Britney Spears then some bizarre Swedish alt pop from nineteen-seventy-seven. The song has a Middle Eastern feel, dance sensibilities, Amber Coffman and her lovely voice . . . it's that sort of experimental composition which a lot of people will love, a lot will hate -- no, a lot will cover their ears as soon as the first note sounds -- and some may just dismiss as hipsters "trying to hard." It's scattered and fun, organized and grating. (Ryan A)

Finally, we're done with lists . . . yay. I know, I know: how about my film buffs and bookworms? Sorry (dorks!), those mediums weren't treaded by me too much this year. But, if you want me do to a Best Blog list I'm down for it; e-mail me with suggestions. Anyway, I'd like to end this post with an interview! Gay p -- wait, no . . . it can't be the same kid! Wow, forget the interview, just . . . try not to faint when reading this latest article by New Jersey Journal Times Reader Post:

NUTLEY, NJ -- Yes, we have another story from that hellhole of a town. Wednesday afternoon, Wilbur V, alongside his companion Alison B, walked into Poppa Rapper's Pizzeria. The pair was expecting -- like many locals do -- to eat some tasty, affordable Italian cuisine. Waitress Marina C took Wilbur's order: two slices of pepperoni pizza and a small Pepsi. Alison later said his eating pace was "normal." Thus, after the meal, the two friends parted ways, each heading to their respective homes.

A few hours later, Mr. V's bowels croaked and he threw up. He realized it was flu season and decided to go to bed. At around 7:30 he fell asleep.

He stayed home from school the next day, pretty confident it was the flu. At noon, he visited the doctor, who said Wilbur had developed the H1N1 virus, colloquially known as swine flu. The doctor prescribed the appropriate medicine, and Mr. V went home, very depressed he'd be missing school for a while.

Fast forward to early this morning, when the brilliant student was found dead in his bed, a box of Trix by his side. The autopsy will yield the needed specifics, but many speculate that what caused his downfall was food poisoning.

"I don't eat there. Well, I did once, and it was gross -- I'd never go again," remarked Sarah B, about her experiences with Poppa Rapper's Pizzeria.

"I got queasy seconds after I ate one their signature curly fries. What a dumb establishment," said Katie P.

Various locals have expressed their sadness for this loss, but some think Mr. Wilbur is playing a trick on the world. Unfortunately, Mr. V is not -- the body is, this second, being examined at Clara Moss. Citizens of Nutley may feel a tad excited at their town's popularity, but depression may better describe the current disposition of any given inhabitant.

Rest in peace, sir. I can't divulge my deepest thoughts here -- my blog is a comical settlement in Cyberia, not a My Chemical Romance song.

Bits and shreds will line the next few paragraphs. For sweater or purse, I'm going to promote AIDS awareness here, right now, because my Health student teacher said I "should." Even though, with each word I pen (type . . .), I'm promoting literacy. But yes, go to this website and please, use protection, my (I'm guessing) unchaste readers.

What else. August 23rd is officially Day of the Blogs. If you don't understand why I chose that date then you're not a fan of Blogger on Facebook. Pyra Labs launched the site on August 23rd, 1999. So I'm honoring the company by creating this delectable holiday. Goddamn it I'm accomplished:

• Rapper
• Lover
• Holiday creator
• Rhymer
• Lyricist
• Concert attender
• Episcopalian
• Co-directed Wet Pussies 972: Drenched
• Writer of raps
• Scriber of hip-hop joints
• Rapper
• Listened to Nickelback's All the Right Reasons.

I get it: your blogger extraordinary heir should just retire and spend a few centuries in Scandinavia (etcetera). "Look, Mr. Rapper, you've surely done enough. Chill -- relax -- rest -- sleep." To that I say, "Where do you come from, floating text?"

Uh, Dave wanted me to mention the New Found Glory song "Something I Call Personality." Don't know if that's an insult to me or . . . nah, I'm kidding. Mr. C sifts through a band's discography and puts the deeper cuts in front of you. It's funny how a lot of people dislike Owl City, but have only heard "Fireflies." Same with me: I declared Enter Shikari a terrible band based on one boring track, but then Dave was like, "Listen to 'Adieu.' It's pretty solid." He was right! Not to say you even need four seconds of "Low" before labeling Flo Rida a no-talent hack! Or a sentence of jen's blog to deem it "considerably worse than your blog, Nick." Or a pence of UK currency to declare it "less heavenly than US money. USA! USA! USA!" Y'all know whuh ah mee. Y'all wit duh rappist 'n writist. Hehwoah?

Eternal ray of sunshine Sarah B recently mailed me a drawn-out, hand-written "monologue" in hope of scoring more blog space. Eh, I'll give it my readers. Most folks like her! Some, though, have compared her to post-death hoax Jen, or, to quote a particular reader, "Katie while trying to score Soon to Decay stories." Not so -- Sarah is innocuous and quite generous. So, here's her, um, audition:

Hi, Nick! Hmmm, why aren't I featured in more stories? I'm actually interesting, unlike most of the squares you write about! Like, I understand that I've been alluded to and all but I wanna be a Jen-esque star. (Why do you even write about her? She faked her f***ing death.) Please, I'm a positive person who has a SENSE OF HUMOR and let's see... I'm pretty, I'm creative, I actually read, I'm a good actor, I'm generous, I'm a good cook, I'm unique... I could keep going. Yeah, I think I will!!! Let's see: if you want I could do a TV bit where I review the latest episodes of Chowder or The Adventures of Flapjack... something like that! Or... hmm, I have a better idea!!!!! I'll write about weird food combinations... so you know, people don't have to experiment for themselves. Believe me, I'll try anything. Ummm, I could do some sort of advice column. Not sure what I'd do it on though; it's just that I help a lot of people out. Well, we need to discuss this in person!! Cool? Look, I love your blog! Not an insult to it!! Just saying, give me a bigger role! Kk? Thank you -- Sarah.

Probably shouldn't have given her personal, selfish letter to the Cyberian Gods, but hey: my blog is revered for being "controversial, insensitive, and highly sexual." Editor? Nick L, come on . . . the last part wasn't relevant. Goddamn Fictional Account staff: when you excerpt quotations and place them in actual posts, make sure they, uh, make sense! You know what -- Nick L, grab your coat and get the fuck out of my office. Tell your family you were feeling a little perverted and, yeah, let them figure out what happened next. Ugh! And why isn't the quotation sourced? Now I have to tell my readers that Literotica wrote a nice little piece about my blog, using the aforementioned text to open their review. So . . . Christian P, it's your lucky day: you're my new editor.

An aside about Dave. Since Jen ripped him apart ("Decisive Damsel," anyone?), his pornography career has been flowering. In the last two weeks alone he's completed five skin flicks. Slut's Up, Cock? and Boys in the Band IV: Morning Wood Wind are even being released in select theaters -- which makes me more than just a little bit jealous. My indie porn films, like the binary-themed 0010100101VAGINA1000101010100, and the Algebra-focused Gay² + Me² = It'll Be Released on DVD² Soon³, have, when compounded, made a disagreeable seven cents. So I just e-mailed Mr. C -- I asked the behemoth to divulge a few industry secrets! Dude's a porn hero.

Music para. Princess Superstar (Concetta K to Fictional Account bros) wants me to tell y'all she finally released a new song. It's called "Life is But a Dream," and it samples the Nutcracker Suite! Christmasy! (Sorry -- holiday-y.) I'm also here to ignorantly claim "Do You Realize??" -- by Flaming Lips -- is the decade's best track! Uh, and Animal Collective's "My Girls" is supposedly really good. "Yo Nicholas, 'Mr. Brightside' equals best track of the decade." Okay, Angelo. We're not doing best-of-the-decade crap, guys. I just had stuff on my chest. "Halo 3 is easily this decade's best video game." Shane H, where did you come from? "Cell phones are definitely the best invention so far this decade." First off: S the F up, Jen. Secondly: I'm pretty sure cellular devices were ubiquitous by the nineties. "Kanye interrupting Slut's-her-name at the VMAs was the best interruption this decade." Marina, no! Taylor Swift has a purity ring! You always pollute my blog! "Band of the decade, you ask? I'd easily say it's Jet." Not funny, Dave. Who asked you, anyway . . . fag. "Honestly, Greg Giraldo. He did 'Underwear Goes Inside the Pants.' And he had a few good stand-up specials. Dane Cook is not fucking funny!" Vlad, please -- contain yourself. And saying Greg Giraldo is the comedian of the decade is like saying Stephenie Meyer is the comedian of the decade. Both ring true, but both will surely anger a lot of people. Next paragraph, please sta -- "Hold on, lemme just say that the guy who punched Snooki is the bro of the decade. Who's with me?" Anthony C, although I'm positive that most of us may chest-bump you in rabid agreement, that sort of statement may get me in trouble. And, huh, I told you dummies to stop! We're done with this decade bullshit. "Television program? Two words--" No. More.

Post almost over, tired souls. All we have left to do: yep, you've waited for them! Here they are: The 1st annual Fictional Account Awards -- voted on by you at home, and sponsored entirely by Dave's new porn flick Cloudy With a Chance of [Sigh]. Let's go!

Best Male Performance (Minor Role)

The nominees:

• Angelo L, in "Decisive Damsel"
• Anthony C, in "Salacious Conductor"
• Christian P, in "Hedonistic Derivative"
• Nick L, in "Decisive Damsel"

And, the winner is: what? An upset! Nick L stole your vote. In the acclaimed "Decisive Damsel," he chased down his fellow Delorean fans and oft-enemies Angelo, Dave, Jen, and me! Nick, get up here give your acceptance speech.

"Well, I'm EXTREMELY happy I could win this AWARD. Though I'm still ANGRY you posted that story for the WHOLE WORLD to see! Anyway, I'd like to THANK very SINCERELY, my mom, my dad, my whole family INDEED, Dave, Dave's dog Maggie, Dave's sister Sondra, Dave's basement, Dave's pe--"

Sorry, buddy, we gotta move on. Woah, this next category is a hot one! Hold on to your "perfect bodies."

Best Female Performance (Minor Role)

The nominees:

• Jill C, in "Her Thoughts"
• Katie P, in "Salacious Conductor"
• Marina C, in "Hedonistic Derivative"
• Sarah B, in "Hedonistic Derivative"

And, the winner is: Marina C . . . boringly. Miss Marina spoke to me about snow for a few minutes, and left my readers yearning for more. Satan's wife, may you come here and accept this award?

"Ha ha, I knew your fucking tool fans would vote for me! They were just scared I'd kill them if they didn't. Anyway, I'd like to thank Lucifer, the Devil, the Foul Fiend, the Prince of Darkness, the Black Man, I suppose you, Nick, for giving me popularity in our stupid, worthless school. Eh, fuck you -- you barely write about me."

Okay . . . thank you, Miss Marina -- you're so gracious! Let's hand out some more awards, shall we?

Best Male Performance (Main Role)

The nominees:

• Christian P, in "Global Aspirations"
• Dave C, in "Veiled Visitor"
• Ryan A, in "Creamy Center"
• Shvet P, in "Blast Stereotypes"

And, the winner is: yep, Mr. Dave C -- for "Veiled Visitor." That story was solely about the multi-instrumentalist! Basically, he wants a more intimate relationship with Jen, so he asks her to a Delorean concert. Later, he has a bizarre dream and writes about in his journal. Eh, get up here, faggot.

"Uh, I'll admit: that was a difficult time in my life. And you, dumbass, had to make it public. You're cool! But, I like the way you wrote it so thanks for writing it. Also, thanks to my mom, my dad, my whole family obviously, Ryan, Angelo, Matt, I could keep going but I'll stop now. Thanks."

What a great man! Comes up, thanks me and a handful of folks, finishes his speech early -- dude's a swell guy. Okay, and maybe our most-discussed award of the night is up in a few sentences. Quick note: the favorite is still Jen, even after the her death hoax. Some say Jill may rob her, though! Let's find out!

Best Female Performance (Main Role)

The nominees:

• Jen A, in "Decisive Damsel"
• Jill C, in "Creamy Center"
• Marina C, in "Fame Kills"
• Miss Twig, in "Dull Blouse"

And, the winner is: J . . . J . . . Jill! Oh, everyone must feel elated that Jen didn't win. Whatever. Anyway, in "Creamy Center," Jill delivers her first sermon at the church she recently opened. Supposedly, she didn't choose to venture into prostitution -- God selected it as her career path. An excerpt won your vote. Okay, come up here Jill!

"Wow, I remember that day. It was about three weeks ago. You know what -- I sincerely thank all of the people who voted for me . . . but this isn't my award! Jen, this is your time -- now claim it." Wow -- how very altruistic of you, Jill! Jen, listen to your comrade.

"Jill, I love you to death, and I'll just say, you do deserve the award. I read that sermon on your website -- it's incomparable. So, the last couple weeks for me . . . just a little strange. What became Nick's 'Decisive Damsel' was truly remarkable. That Delorean concert -- all those mixed feelings, the tension, the ultimate decision. Such a bittersweet day. Oh Jill, thanks again, and all those who don't wanna kill me right now . . . my family, Scott, Dave, Matt, Dan, I could go on, but I'll be unselfish like Dave and Jill here and just end it! I love you all!"

So graceful! What a fun night it's been. To cap the ceremony off, let's give out the final award.

Best Post

The nominees:

• "Decisive Damsel"
• "Fame Kills"
• "Global Aspirations"
• "See You"

And, the winner is: "Global Aspirations," written by me, Jill, and Christian. Quotations from me, Dave, and Ryan are included. Okay, losers, get up here!

Dave begins: "That Mims show really blowed." Ryan, just take the mic away from that studmuffin.

Ryan: "Bro, I said one line in that post. Come on, I shouldn't be up here."

Fine, let's let our fellow writers speak! Jill, how did it feel telling the world about your career? Especially since you went on to create a freaking church, like, a month later!

"Well, I felt empowered when I penned that mini-story. Honestly, though, I look back at my poor way with words. I've grown as a writer and a person! But, here, I'm just gonna let Christian speak."

"Thank you, Jillian. I truly loved that I got to share my feelings with the world. I do get a lot of crap for being a Mormon, and Nick, I've heard you aren't exactly sympathetic to us! Ha, it's okay, though. But thanks so much for letting me intrude your blog. And I love you so much Mom, Dad, my wonderful brothers and sisters . . . I'll thank you in person, everyone. It's been a great year for me -- take care, all."

Oak(land) A(s) -- so I keep tellin' y'all that I'm done for the year, I'm done forever, I'm done for the night, I'm done for the hour, but in all honesty, I'll be back ferociously soon with a post titled "Whore Died" and a poll asking you which member of Lady Gaga you wanna ride the hardest. You'll probably answer "Hye Sung" -- even though he's neither in Lady Gaga or in the fucking poll! But noted hacker (and killist) Shvet P -- famous for slamming what he calls society's "low class fools" -- will teach you the ways around these things in life called "restrictions." If you haven't heard the term, you're in Shvet's posse, stop reading my blog, you're an asshole, that's final. Elsewhere, I wanna thank my former editor Nick L, and my current (plowable) editor Christian P. Praise to all my readers, writers, heeders, fighters, breeders, biters . . . and lovers! That's all. Apathy Love, Nick!