Salacious Conductor

Our new segment, Katie Cracks Characters, involves pioneer reporter Katie P getting the dirt out of Fictional Account characters. She's relentless.

It was a sunny afternoon when Anthony C was stopped mid-step on his walk home from school. Katie asked him if he'd mind answering a few inquiries about his personal life. Apparently he went along with it. Katie faxed me the transcript.

Katie Cracks Characters ~ #1 ~ Anthony

Katie P: So, where are you going right now?

Anthony C: Uh . . . home.

KP: Of course. Well, people just wanna know a little about your early life and some personal details. Kay?

AC: Sure.

KP: Give me a little dose of your early life.

AC: Well, I was born on March 14th, on 1993 and raised in --

KP: Who are you currently dating?

AC: What?

KP: Are you in relationship as of now?

AC: Um . . . no.

KP: Fellow Fictional Account star Jen A claims you're addicted to meth. True?

AC: No.

KP: How much do you weigh?

AC: This is ridiculous. Yellow fucking journalism. I gotta go.

KP: Do you think a celebrity such as yourself should be cussing? How about your young fans -- do you care about them at all?

AC: Oh yeah -- my fans! I love my fans! Oh . . . wait . . . I don't have fans because I'm not a celebrity. Fail.

KP: Any last words?

AC: I'm pressing the dislike button on this interview!

Shit. I'll have to mail some flowers to Ant and thoroughly reprimand Katie for her amorality. Let's put this incident in the attic. Commence aimless sentence war.

Greetings, Decemberists -- you're month is officially underway. I'll admit it -- December's pretty cute. I'd use my infamous polar bear pickup line on Miss December. What's in front of us this month? The Lovely Bones hits theaters on the twelfth. Based on the beloved novel. Funny how books about rape, suicide, and abusive relationships become female youth classics!

Let's face it: decade lists will bombard you! Best trend of 2000-2009? Best song? Best mini-series? Best reality show? Best blog? (Yes, there's competition.) Best gay pornography feature flick? (I'm taking the highly-downloaded Every Poolboy's Dream.) And the most important question: favorite year? (Obviously 2002 -- The Eminem Show hit shelves!)

Chew on that! Oh, wait, more crap to discuss. Say hello to My Life is Twilight, the FML parody site where losers give examples of how their lives are Twilight. Actually, wave goodbye to it. What a terrible excuse for web humor.

Far surpassing MLIT is the messy, innocuous, and overall brilliant Hipster Runoff. It goes above and beyond The Hipster Handbook's zeal for trying to put my kind in a corner. So, visit it. Vote in their new poll -- what's the coolest thing to happen this year? Answers include "the lovable keyboard cat," "cool new mall opening up on our side of town," and "Twitter being the new bomb.com" . . . "choose wisely." (Dave C, in a fit of jealously)

Didn't know my readers were Jill C diehards. But okay. I mean, it's abundantly clear that someone hacked yet another poll of mine (I'm watching you), and I'm pretty fucking pissed (eh, I'm relatively dissatisfied) about it! What did I do to you? Jen's response: "You made me a household name, sir." Dave's response: "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be fictionally in love with Jen right now." Julian's response: "Wanna play tennis tomorrow?" Me: "Just answer the question, boy." He never properly responded. The point? Oh, it's contained forthwith. No one's response: "Nick, you always picked on me in pre-K. I'm suicidal right now!" So fuck off haters. Few advertisements before I leave ya. MTV's "groundshattering, earth-raping, soul-cleansing" (Entertainment Creeply) television program Jersey Shore debuts Thursday. The Appleseed Cast isn't indie. Check out Bethany Cosentino's new one and have an "eh, meh, bleh" (Ryan A, writing for Indifferent Daily) day. Okay? Cool. I love you guys.