Creamy Center

Typist, anthropologist, python, air conditioner, and drummer David C (the formal title for Dave C) took the floor. No one (zero living creatures) expected the convicted felon to venture into stand-up comedy. Though his act was terribly good. Excerpt, whores:

"What's the deal with all these status updates? My friend Angelo the other day, he's like, Just bought some new Farmville shit -- somethin' like that. I'm like, 'No one cares bro!' And this other dude Nick L, he's like, I'm bored so text me. Um, how about not? I didn't actually say that to him. Oh yeah. I hate that phrase LOL. It's like, just say my joke is funny. Don't type, 'LOL.' Only girls should be allowed to say that phrase. And another thing: chicks are so much different than us. My girlf -- former girlfriend . . . well, that's not important. So, this girl, she's like, 'Dave, can you cook?' I'm like, 'That's your job, worthless bitch.' Then I punched her in the face. Ha! Just kidding. But yeah I did call her a bitch but in a joking manner. And how about modern porn! What a joke -- yeah, well, I saw The Little Sperm Maid. Joke of a porno. The plot is basically -- this is the plot: all these mermaids and mermen are in an aquarium. Basically, this merman Chris L has the biggest tail fin or some shit but no one can find him. Gross flicture. The acting: terrible. Lex Steele can't play a roll where he's not just sitting on his ass getting blowed. Anyway, it was shit. Oh, and how about statutory rape? Look, if a girl wants me to do it to her I'm going to give her the David Special. It consists of penile things like you . . ."

He was booed off the stage shortly thereafter. So that's what's up('s) with the man with the golden eyeball. Angelo with devour the Avalanches reference. Some will be like, "The song named 'Frontier Psychologist' is not that delicious. I wouldn't consume it for my morning meal." By the way, thesaurus.com, get some synonyms for the. Word's losing its grain. Okay? Here's an excerpt from Jill's debut sermon; the subject was prostitution:

"People ask me -- they always ask me -- they do so without hesitation -- they say: 'Why?' Well, I'm overjoyed you joined Saint Harlot's and we're present not to bow down, but to look up and say, 'Thank You.' Don't direct your questions to me. I'm your priestess, but I'm also your colleague, your buddy. Don't ever ask me 'why.' Speak to Jesus Christ himself and try for an answer. Though it fails to matter. He put on you on His earth to do whatever your heart tells you do. If your heart tells you to write, and you cook, then you are cussing in His face and urinating on His predestined will. The Devil is your fellow humans, trying to convince you they need you to help them. No! If everyone performs their assigned task -- well, that's our goal. Tell your mom, tell your grandmother and grandfather. Talk to your children. See this Bible -- see how I wrote on the cover. Yes, I edited it. I highlighted -- nay, I colored and directed you to -- Matthew 15:11. You know what I'm talking about, wonderful representatives of humanity. 'What goes into a man's mouth does not make him unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean.' It's not what you take in, within your lifetime. It will be always be what you give. Do God's work. And, with that, I'd like to speak of my adventures in prostitution."

I'm proud to have witnessed Jill that day. It was humorous, though. I couldn't tell if God wanted her to be a whore, or an orator. Her voice stuck with the individual, and opened and closed one's mind at once. We thought about our respective purposes -- we searched our souls. Transformed was heeder Ryan A. After English class the following day, the relaxed guitarist abandoned his instrument and seized his fate. Mr. A was to dedicate his time to literary criticism. In his journal, he penned a negative review of Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic The Scarlet Letter. Texcerpt:

"You know what novel is awesome: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I think Kesey wrote that. Yeah I read it this summer. Anyway, this Scarlet Letter that I just finished -- it's horrible. Know what's good about Kesey. He doesn't waste words. But Hawthorne's like, 'Yeah, I guess I'll add forty more words to an obviously completed thought.' Then the characters are all bizarre and overreacted to every little thing. They need to just chill out. If weed was invented then, I'd give Dimmesdale a hit. But yeah, there's like five things that happened in that book. Let's see. Hester cheats on Chillingworth, Chilling sets out to avenge Dimmes, then he does, Dimmes suffers continually and at the end confesses. Pearl grows up as a sinful baby blah blah. It's boring as hell. And Hawthorne, I mean, he has a fetish for Puritans but then criticizes them? What. Oh and I don't think he needs to put a dash or semicolon every other character in the book goddamn and what else. Let's see . . . it's boring. You start to not care after a while. Ken Kesey, though -- quality novel. Scarlet Letter is simply some pretentious loser who read the dictionary and is sensitive. 2009 standards he's a hippie or gay. And . . ."

Stolid observations are present. Good luck with your dream, Mr. Ryan A. So, this Dave kid, he thinks I have issues. By the way, I was watching Comedy Central's Hot List thing. See, this is the reason why all my attempts at writing a novel fly southward for the winter. I try to talk about one specific anything for two minutes, and see what happens! Comedian Lil Wayne released a solid mixtape last month! Look! Squ! Ui! R! R! E! L! "Very immature," critiqued self-proclaimed "Tom Cruise of the lit-crit world" Ryan A. Woah -- no one asked you. "Take me off your blog." Woah . . . sorry, you're a popular character. "I laugh at mindless jesters like you. Ha ha." Sure. But let's quickly deliver Nick L's latest batch of Facebook status updates in one handy dandy megaquotation:

"I'm going on YouTube and looking up my new haircut vid right now!!! Never seen a show make such an impact on facebook Today is disappointing...... Don't get why people like snow or the cold Did Nebraska really lose, really? Hate Texas 4 college football but must say exciting game Ewww Texas Alabama championship game how horrible I rather see TCU then Texas Laughing at redskins Roger Goodell needs to take the redskins out of the NFL there a complete joke REDSKINS FAIL"

Judges: reveal your scores. So -- we have a 7 from Marina, a 4 from Brandon, and a 5 from Julian. Marina, explain! "Well, his updates, unlike many of my friends', are specific and interesting. I lack the support for cold weather, too. And Jersey Shore's inherent popularity is a tad startling. I take points off for too many sports-related posts, though. Brandon, my baby?" Yes, Mr. P, why don't you share your thoughts. "Thank you both. Honestly guys, the ambiguity was astounding. 'Hate Texas 4 college football . . .' -- what? And clarify the show which shook up the town. Plus: sorry, but the comments about Washington's respectable football squad were unnecessary. Julian, my baby?" Nice to see you could make it for round-table. Begin! "Thanks, Nick and both those creepers. Uh, I rarely focus on petty status updates. I didn't graduate from Brown with a degree in Sociology with a minor in Internet studies. But I didn't find anything wrong with Nick's entries into the webosphere. I'd like to focus on the poor grammar, though. Really, you can't punctuate 'Youtube' correctly? Ugh. The lack of periods, the excessive exclamation marks . . . and those last two words. Why do you yell at your readers? Just a little frustrating, guys. That's all." Thank you kindly, sir. That concludes our session with the terrific analysts. Take care, folks.

So, if it's not abundantly crystal, right now, I'd like to come clean. I prefer the opposite se -- hello? Um, looks like non-character Jeff R stopped by. You realize I have a hugely popular blog, you're a loser, and you want to borrow my website to promote a certain New York sports team? Um, sure. Let me set this shit up. Commence:

"So, Philadelphia sucks. Philly fans smell like shit, they're angry, and they don't support their teams when they're doing bad. Ha, good thing Nick left his computer room. I'ma trash the flying hell out of Philly. Oh yeah, well maybe I should be loyal and stick with saying The Giants are gonna win the Super Bowl this year. Brendan Jacobs. Eli Manning. I don't like explaining. But yeah, the Redskins and Eagles (they've never won a Super Bowl, Nick, AKA Nick the Dick) and Cowboys are all gonna lose all their games. You tied Cincinnati. Um, I really don't like writing so I'll see you later."

Does he not realize that, like, I could just delete all of that excremental salivation now? If he was a bag of tools, he'd be the firmest and smallest -- wait, what? Um, so anyone wanna close this post up. Now that I think about it! Huh -- bad syntax, faggot. But, um, I still have Jen's diary on me. Let's post her primer entry. On October 19th, 2009, Jen wrote:

"Just learned a new word. Necrophilia = fucking dead people. LOLcopter. So, what happened today? I finally saw grey's anatomy. it was fine. I already love mcdreamy, but compared with scott, he's mclameoid. So, um um abcdefghijk ... wow, why did I get a diary. Oh yeh, it's a twiary and it was on sale at borders. Goddamn it taylor lautner is hot. Honestly I didn't even like new moon the book. It was kinda boring. So, web design, quickly becoming my favorite class. Just cause I get to talk to dave and wilbur. Cool kids. And I get to look at shoes/play stupid retarded online games. Have I wrote enough? Uggggg .. . . s are the best. LOL my friend abby said uggs are the ontomonopea of shoes. So, I'll talk to you later. Wow, I'm talking to a piece of paper. Whatever a bunch of papers. UmmMmmmMmmmmMmmmm, bye, whores devores."