Quilted Qualms

Vait, vhot? Antagonist Dave is your democratically-elected winner of our poll. He's the favorite, the protagonist of expected fan-fiction pieces, the commander-in-chief, the aggressive negative-campaigner who once referred to Marina C as "little more than an angry fembot whose assets are both nonattrative [sic] and, I don't know, repulsive."

Let's break this matter down to its atoms. In first place, Dave claimed 48% of the vote. Anthony is the runner-up with a modest 25%. Jen got 16% and Marina a weepy 9%. I was pulling for Ant in the homestretch, but he never came through for us. I'm bawling right now. Bawling with Angelo L, whose various positive comments about Ant have touched me both linguistically and emotionally. "Sometimes, when I see Anthony C in the daylight, I'm staring at the physical embodiment of productive merriment." When Ang threw that beautiful line at me, I immediately entered the fetal position -- the tears lasted at least twenty minutes.

Marina's percentage reflects her wretched soul, her disingenuous fashion choices, and her opinion of the Juanes track "A Dios Le Pido." In a recent interview, Marina declared the song a "masterwork," citing the refrain as "hypnotic," and the outro as "Nick, fuck off. I've talked to you for thirty seconds. That's enough." It's my personal belief that she did not want me to leave her desk, but was, in fact, upset about her ignorance of the term outro. This chick is in choir, for the record!

Jen's number is at once surprising and reasonable. She is the heroine of my blog, the independent-spirited romanticist whose gleaming character should win readers over. But, then again, most Fictional Account aficionados are juniors, and most of you out there (out there) are demonic shrews.

We put an era of corruption, hacking, dissension, barbarism, and greed behind us. Local discourse brings me to unselfish endeavors. I solemnly swear to bring you more characters, new vocabulary terms, an editor to dot my is and cross my ts, merchandise (low-cost but at least meh-quality), character profiles, group photographs, rallies, [insert your Nick Rapper fantasies here] -- but most of all, prose to lawl, a host of drawls, and posts of scrawl.